Short Stories

Excerpt from  THE KEY

 

CAST.
Prof Baiyeje:              Minister of Education
Ekaette:                      The Minister’s wife
Musa:                         The Minister’s driver and aide
Dakubo:                     A frustrated intellectual who sometimes passes as a mad man
Diokpa:                      The strange man’s son
Attendants/Spectators
Pupils
Girls of pleasure

 

A frustrated intellectual who sometimes can pass for a mad man walks up the stage bearing loads containing rags and old pots and pans. His dreadlocks cover part of his face. He stops and drops his heavy load as he pulls out a cranky guitar which he carries like a baby for a while, before hanging it on his neck. Feeling pressed, he rushes to the center of the stage, unzips his flap and makes to bring out his manhood. Stops as he recollects himself, covers his face in mock shame and turns sharply to the audience, observes their expectant gaze, makes a rather ludicrous face as he goes closer to the audience.

DAKUBO:     “Tell me what are you looking at? What do you expect to see?”
(Smiles). “You forget that I am not as mad as some of you are. I
guard my precious things jealously. The only trouble I have is
that I am too much of a genius to be understood by mere mortals. I start something and you imitate me. Look at my lovely hair, that’s what a lot of you now ask them to make for you at the salon. I invent and you copy. I set the trend. I give you what is in vogue. Trail blazer. That’s what I am. Call me trail blazer!

BACKGROUND CHORUS:           Trail blazer man
Isn’t that name too big for your little shoulders
Trail blazer man
Did you invent smoking too?
Is that why you sometimes go round the bend?
Did you invent the pains we bear!

DAKUBO:     The voices again. They follow me everywhere I go
But no, I did not invent pains
Someone else did
An evil genius
Come on now, join me in singing the
Song of the evil genius

BACKGROUND CHORUS of the evil genius song:
I ride the skies and crush the boulders of the earth
I swallow the sea creatures, the biggest of them all
I pulverize the strongest of the wild creatures
I am the best beast of the jungle, the swiftest and the craftiest
I cause tremor in homes, wreck havocs in lives
Those who love me dread me because they know my sting
My venom is deadlier than the mamba’s yet I am as gentle
As a baby’s fingers on her mother’s breasts
And I have the puzzling shades of the chameleon.

DAKUBO:                 (Shouting, with hands covering his ears) Stop now, will you!
You deafen me with your boast. (Blaring siren. A limousine
                        approaches.) Now talk of the devil and here he is, the evil
genius himself riding on the backs of the creatures he has bent.
When will the heavens learn to create equal spaces for mankind
so that no one will ride on top of the other?

PROF BAIYEJE:     (The limousine bearing a heavily bearded man pulls up, with
the siren still blaring. Young, skimpily dressed maidens
Sprinkle flower on  his path as the bearded man alights. His
 aide, Musa, who is also a driver clears the path for him.
 Musa is bearing a brown leather bag which he occasionally
Peeps into,  grinning and displaying some wads of crisp money.
The Minister inspects  the maidens, taking note of their
contours. Gets  carried away as he  licks his tongue only to be
interrupted by   Trail Blazer’s cough. Sees Trail Blazer whose
sight angers him. He speaks with exaggerated intonation and
self importance.)
And who is this, what could you be doing here at this hour?
Obviously, you have had too much to drink.  Let it not be said
that I crushed the one already crushed to the bones. Be gone
now to your home if you have  any.

DAKUBO:                 I am like the snail always with its shell, carrying its home
wherever it goes. My home is wherever I am, unlike you with
so many houses and no home really.

PROF BAIYEJE:     (Peeved) How dare you talk to me in that manner! Don’t you
Know who I am?

DAKUBO:                 Of course, I do. You are a man after all. Now as we stand man
to man, I wonder what became of your charm.

MUSA:                       (Obsequiously) Your Excellency, the man has long lost his
senses. Why waste  your golden words with the likes of him.

PROF BAIYEJE:     Well spoken, Musa. Get into the car, let’s go on with our
inspection.

DAKUBO:                 (Shouting as they leave) Don’t be afraid! I thought you are the
brave one. 

MUSA:                       Your Excellency, don’t bandy words with him.

PROF BAIYEJE:     It’s demeaning, isn’t it? Let’s get into the car!

MUSA:                       But I am afraid, your Excellency, this is not like the
part of town where you live. This is the ‘interior’ Obrokoto.
There are no provisions for     cars here. This is a shanty town 
with shacks built on gutters, on latrines, on the canal.

PROF BAIYEJE:     Why did you bring me here then?

DAKUBO:                 (Still shouting after them) And your brown leather bag, doesn’t
it contain enough money to go round? Doesn’t it even contain
cigarettes or a little marijuana for troubled souls like mine?

PROF BAIYEJE:     I ask you again, Musa, why did you bring me to this cursed
place and to this accursed man?

MUSA:                       You wanted to visit the schools, remember! Schools in various
areas of the metropolis.

PROF BAIYEJE:     That’s right, that’s correct.   Isn’t it good that a responsible
Minister like myself should visit the schools to know their areas
of need? 

MUSA:                       It is very good, Your Excellency. There are very few thoughtful
ones like you. 

The Minister and   pick their way into the slum.
The Minister covers his nose with his hand to ward off
the stench of the place.

DAKUBO:                 (Breaks into a song. The Background chorus joins in.)
Very  good, Your Excellency!
To visit the schools surrounded by excreta
By the honorable Minister of fine, fine grammar
Please tread softly for each lose plank covers a sewage.
Didn’t you bring a white handkerchief
To cover your dainty nostrils from the assault of illiterate shit
We who live around here have developed a thicker resistance!
To dirt and squalor, to piggery and skirmishes
But we are not yet immune from the infectious outrage of your greed
From your sugar coated opulence which drives you crazy
Very good, Your Excellency to remember us today.

                                    The Minister stops in front of a dingy classroom packed
full with pupils. The classroom is in various stages of
 dilapidation.  Depending on the location, the props and
 settings can be improvised, the scenes can be merged while the
 actors can take up more than one role.

PUPILS:                    (The pupils greet in various postures.)Welcome!We salute
you, Sir. We salute your smooth face, Sir! And well creamed
hands, Sir! We salute your leather bag! And the servant man
carrying it, Sir.

PROF BAIYEJE:     (Joyfully) Brilliant! Where is your teacher?

PUPILS:                    He is on strike!

PROF BAIYEJE:     (Angrily) Who gave him permission to go on strike?

PUPILS:                    Hunger

PROF BAIYEJE:     What blithering nonsense!

DIOKPA:                   You are right, Sir, a goat blithers and a cat mews.

PROF BAIYEJE:     Oh shut…

DIOKPA:                   We teach ourselves, Sir, and I  volunteer to teach.    

PROF BAIYEJE:     What! For how long has this been going on?

DIOKPA:                   For as long as we can remember.

PROF BAIYEJE:     I mean, how long has this silly strike been on?

DIOKPA:                   Fourteen months, are you really not aware, Sir?

DAKUBO:                 (chips in from where he stands with the spectators that have
                                    gathered to watch.) How can he be? His core duty lies with the
girls and their fantastic figures.

PROF BAIYEJE:     Watch your mouth or else…

DAKUBO:                 Or else what? My son, the teacher, go on, teach.

DIOKPA:                   (Rising to the occasion.) Class,
A for Adaka   
B for Bingo
C for Calico
D for Dross
E for Eczema
F for Fever
G for General
H for hunger
I for Iroko
J for Johny Just Come
K for Khaki
L for leper
M for me
N for Nepa
O for Ofada
P for prayer
Q for quarrel
R for rape
S for sex
T for tobacco
U for union
V for Vex
W for why
X for XL, extra large
Y for Yellow
Z for (Pause) Zigizigi  (Another pupil) Zagazaga!

PROF BAIYEJE:     (Impressed) Quite ingenuous, but rather too localized.
I will have to get you a teacher. Preferably a white man to brush you
up properly.

MUSA:           Sir, no foreign teacher will stand the stench of this place.
PROF BAIYEJE:     You are right, not even I can stand it.
DIOKPA:       (Aggressively) We can’t stand it either. We too are human beings.
PROF BAIYEJE:     Considering that you have been living here all your life, you
have
managed quite well.
DIOKPA:       Pay the teachers who agree to teach us.
PROF BAIYEJE:     Your teachers are irresponsible. Can you imagine abandoning a
class
for fourteen months. It’s unforgivable!
DIOKPA:       Pay me then to teach.
PROF BAIYEJE:     Oh my boy, you need to be taught yourself. How old are you?
DIOKPA:       Quite old, Sir, as old as deprivation.
PROF BAIYEJE:(Regards him suspiciously) Now, you  watch it, my boy. I hope
you are not planning to be a poet like our Nobel man  and his
cohorts. Ve-ry dangerous! Poets think too  much, they are very
dangerous. You, you are about twelve years old, am I correct?
DIOKPA:       (Shakes his head.) I am much older than that, Sir.
PROF BAIYEJE:     What then are you doing in a class that still learns ABCD?
DIOKPA:       When a man wakes up,  is his morning. This is the first public school
in this area since independence, Sir.  
PROF BAIYEJE:(His anger rising) Would you rather we built you private schools in
this wretched slum?
DIOKPA:       (In pretentious fear) Oh how could we expect such a thing!
PROF BAIYEJE:(Suspicious still) But you expect it all the same. Your eyes build lofty
heights. Watch it lest you tumble overnight.
DIOKPA:       My eyes are wide awake, watching like the eyes of the owl.
PROF BAIYEJE:     (Eyes him, begins to walk away.) Musa, take me out of here.
MUSA:           Right away, Your Excellency.
DIOKPA:       Pupils! Follow me.
DAKUBO:     Son, let me go with you. No, you follow me. I set the pace.
(Musa, Dakubo and the pupils leave the stage.)
PROF BAIYEJE:(Shaking his head in amazement) To think that I wanted to help them.
And what did I get for that?
MUSA:           Insult! That’s all they give to those who love them.
PROF BAIYEJE:     (As they walk away) Tell me where did I go wrong?
MUSA:           Nowhere, Your Excellency. You are always right. God knows it.
PROF BAIYEJE:     I tried to help my people and all they gave me was insult!
MUSA:           The ingrates!

As the Minister walks away, he is met by the skimpily clad maidens who try to soothe his temper.

MUSA:           Are you keeping any of the girls tonight?
PROF BAIYEJE:     I am too unhappy to think. You have permission to think for me
at the moment.

The maidens try even harder to appease him until he looks at one of them tenderly and makes as if to kiss her.

MUSA:           Shall I ask the one that has caught your fancy to come with us then to
the hotel? After a hard day’s work,  a man needs a woman to calm him
down, to keep him away from going mad.

PROF BAIYEJE:     Maybe, Musa, just maybe.
MUSA:           Thank you, Sir. I’ll arrange it.
PROF BAIYEJE:     (In amazement) Musa,  where is the limousine?
MUSA:           Oh not again, Your Excellency. Ah, ah, not again.
PROF BAIYEJE:     What do you mean, not again? I said where the hell is the
limousine  parked here a while ago?
MUSA:           (Agape) Ah! Eh!
PROF BAIYEJE:     The limo. Where is the limo?
MUSA:           (Looking around,) I swear that we  parked it here.    Right at this spot.
I swear!
PROF BAIYEJE:     What could have happened!  
MUSA:           Wait a minute, sir! We left the mad man here!
PROF BAIYEJE:     Mad man, that man! Can a mad man with a withered brain
Drive a limousine?      Didn’t you see all the junk he was
Carrying? A pathetic figure! Besides, I saw him among the spectators
when we were with the pupils. In fact we left him there.
MUSA:           Ehen, then the limousine must be somewhere.
PROF BAIYEJE:Of course, it is somewhere, you idiot and you must find it or else,
someone will pay dearly for it! Don’t they know who I am? Tell them
who I am  in case they have  forgotten.
MUSA:           (Pointing at no one in particular) You people, if you stole the
limousine, return it immediately o. My boss is very angry o.  The fire
of his anger is worse than hell’s inferno. It is  a gawking grave that
awaits your sun baked skeleton o.   I will implore him to give you a
little time o.   Hurry now and return the loot or you are doomed. Do not
say that I did not warn you o. Nobody steals from my boss and gets
away with it o.
PROF BAIYEJE:(Raising his fist in anger.) Twenty-four hours, that’s all I give. If my
limousine is not parked in my house within twenty-four hours,   you
shall know who I really am. Nonsense! What impudence! What
irreverence! (He storms off the stage followed by Musa and the
maidens.)

Dakubo re-enters the stage bearing his load and coughing badly
 As he smokes with abandon.
DAKUBO:     (Talks to himself) The children,  they will not come with me. They

            (The end of this play is in THE KEY which is available for sale.)